Mike's Grand World

A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to quit renting and buy a house. Well, now it seems, that I have had a change of heart. I am about to sell my house to go back to an apartment. I need to be more liquid as far as a possible move back to Alabama.

I am in a sort of crossroads in my life. I have been desiring a move back to Alabama to be close to my family. When I came here to Georgia, I barely knew a soul. Not only did I move out of my parent’s house for the first time, but I moved out by myself in a strange city a mere 4 hours away. I am sure that I am not the only one to face this, but this is my experience.

I have considered a career change. Going to real estate school. Get my license and try selling real estate for a living. The perks of the job are right along with what I’d want in a job. The cons of the job are some that are going to be hard to take. (such as the lack of benefits). I have also found another Microsoft certificaton path that I can probably easily get with just a small amount of studying. Add this to what I already have and I’d have 3 MS certifications to put on my resume. This is a promising idea. But the types of jobs available still don’t offer the freedom of a real estate agent. The “perks” if you will… so, maybe I do both. I need some real world marketable skills or else the job hunt will be over before it’s begun.

In the time I have been here, I lost my Dad. My Mom has had breast cancer surgery and was in the hospital for the better part of a week for complications due to smoking (more specifically COPD.) . All of my neices are growing up and I am not around. Time has moved on but I haven’t.

So, now, I must decide again where I am going to reside: Here in Georgia or back home in Alabama. To quote the band Alabama…”My home’s in Alabama no matter where I lay my head.” This is how it’s always been. My heart isn’t here. But my job and my life is. Well, part of it. I feel like I have been living a double-life for the last 7 years. One in Alabama and one here. Different friends. Different everything. Something’s gotta give before I totally lose what little sanity I have left.

One the one hand, I hate to leave the friends I have made here behind…but on the other, I would be going back to the friends I have had for many years before I got here. Believe it or not, I will miss it here. I won’t miss the “craperific” traffic or the outrageous real estate prices. But I will miss the places and the people I have met. These are the things that make it hard to leave.

My original plan was to be here for a year. Gain some experience. Move home. The plan did not succeed. Here I am … 7+ years later… working at the same company. I have moved 3 times since I first arrived in Georgia. 3 counties. 4 cities. 7+ years. I move fairly often. Now, it looks like I just may be moving again this year. I must keep up my move every couple of years plan. Add to that, it won’t be my last move. Maybe not even the last move this year. I don’t really look forward to moving, it’s just the way it is.

So, am I making the right decision? I don’t know. But it’s the decision I have made. My house isn’t on the market, yet, so I have time to change my mind. I just need the right guidance.

The One

I keep thinking to my self, does my one even exist?  If she does, where is she? In my future? In my past? In my present? I always thought that I had already met her and now she’s gone. Maybe she’ll come back out of my past maybe I am dreaming.

What happens to me is I will like a girl only to watch her go off with somebody else. Is there something wrong with me? Maybe she wasn’t the one? Maybe she was and I ran her off?

I just don’t believe there is anyone for me. Until I meet her, I won’t believe. But how will I know?

I really don’t know anymore.

Signs

I drew this analogy earlier this week,  if a woman’s signs were like traffic signs, I’d be dead by now. I would have wrecked my car in an impressive ball of fire. Explosions can be cool. But not when they involve me.

I am just a fairly simple-minded guy. I need everything laid out for me. I don’t like playing games (except the video kind..). Because, I will fail. That is my past experience. And as of now, I do not foresee that changing.

What Am I?

You know, that’s a pretty fair question. A geek or a nerd? Or a combination of both? I am not really smart enough to really be either, though. I know I am a failed musician. I know that I am a wannabe poet. I know that I am not much of a catch. But I know I could be if I found the “one.”

What am I looking for?

I am not looking for a one-night stand. I am looking for someone to share my life with me. My experiences. Me. Who I am and what I am (of course, what am I?). I am looking for someone who can look inside me, inside the rough exterior and see that there is an actual heart in there. Believe me, I bleed.

Why am I posting this here?

That, my friends, is the question of the day. But it is a bit therapeutic to put my feelings into words. That’s why I write my “poetry.” Even my psychologist during my senior year of high school encouraged me to write. And I have ever since. So, you can take my “poems” at face value. They are just how I am feeling at the time I wrote them. Just like this one:

Alone

Am I better off alone
Than to be with someone?
Am I better doing my own thing
Than to worry about another?

Is it worth being alone
To not disappoint someone?
Is it worth worrying about being alone
When I could be doing more?

Should I stay alone
Or find someone of my own?
Should I think about being alone
Instead of just accepting it?

Why should I not be alone
When I have it all?
When I am alone
Do I only have myself to blame?

Alone is sometimes how I like to be
Means that I am always free
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like
To not be alone anymore

I don’t remember when I actually wrote this, but it was in the past year. Enjoy.

Where do I start? While I was at lunch today, I thought of a what I wanted to say here.

I guess I can say that I am 33 year-old kid. I am sort of a mix of Andy (the 40 year-old virgin) and Tim “the Toolman” Taylor. I like to goof and be silly and I also have “more video games than teenaged Asian kid.” But I am also serious. Maybe I don’t dress like a normal 33 year-old. Maybe I am too old for the t-shirt and Megadeth t-shirt (since I am not in the band). But that’s what and who I am. I can’t change that because I’d only be lying to myself. So, I could change the way I dress or the way I look, but I would be lying to myself and projecting a false image of myself.

Maybe the way I act or dress would make one think that I am not a responsible adult. Well, this could not be any further from the truth. Having moved here to the Metro-Atlanta area after never living on my own before, it was a real eye-opener. From no real responsibility to being responsible for keeping a roof over my head and food in my belly. And for those who know me, I don’t look like I have missed a meal!

I am also a geek, a nerd, and a hard-ass. Computers and electronic toys and video games are things I enjoy. Perhaps, I really don’t want to grow up. Is that why I have never met the right girl and fallen in love at least once in my life? I take the philosophy of Dallas in “The Fifth Element” when i say, “I don’t want a million girls, I just want one.” And I hope to find that one sometime in the not-so-distant future. I can’t imagine going my whole life without that feeling.

While I am confident in who I am, I am always self-conscience of my looks. While I am not Brad Pitt or a young Tom Selleck or even Sean Connery (young or old), I am not ugly. Sometimes, I will say it or sometimes I will feel like it, but I know it’s not true. I do suffer from low self-esteem. I have been going to the gym for more than a year and I enjoy it and I have lost 20 pounds and gained a little muscle, too.

So, who am I? I am everybody and I am nobody, but whoever I am…”to know me is to love me. Because no matter what, I love myself, even if sometimes I don’t like myself.

[And yes, apparently, I get my philosoplies from movies and TV shows.]

This is the most depressing time of the year for me and has got me thinking about whether or not there is such a thing as the “one” for me. I am 33 years old and have not had a serious relatonship.

Maybe it’s just not in the cards for me. As much as I enjoy my bachelor lifestyle with all my electronic toys and computers, I would someday like to get married and share my life with someone. I don’t enjoy always being alone. Sometimes, yes, it is fun and relaxing to be alone but other times, it’s downright depressing.

There are times I have felt that I have already met my “one.”  She’s already in my past. Why? Because I blew it. I just know it. Maybe she’ll re-appear again, but will I blow it again? Probably but I sure hope not.

Perhaps I am just feeling sorry for myself. But I am not. I am just having some thoughts now that VD is just a week away. A lot of people who know me have read my anti-VD poems from past years. I have never had a good one and one day I hope I will. But until then… (Here is a poem I wrote 2 years ago this month)

“V.D. (2005)”

It’s almost Valentine’s Day,
Can it not go away,
Cakes, candy, and cookies,
Leave me alone, please?

Lots of roses and jewelry,
I see them on t.v.,
No pressure on the man,
Buy the best one you can.

I’ll spend V.D. on my own,
Not even on the telephone,
I’ll have a few drinks,
And toast myself, me thinks.

Don’t anybody cry for me,
This is the way it has to be,
No candlelight dinner or romance,
No having to learn to dance.

No cards or helium balloons,
With pictures of big-ass baboons,
No candy hearts that say “Be Mine.”
You know, that is a crime.

All is well in the world today,
I’ll celebrate V.D. my own way,
Watching “24” on my big screen t.v.,
Sounds like a plan to me!

http://www.mmolenda.com/poetry/VD.htm

Now, don’t I sound like the perfect catch?